3 months old today

I'm definitely feeling much better today :)

Ezra is 5.2kg this month. He has been laughing and 'speaking' more. He also cries more - like today... he fussed so much, I feel so exhausted! He can hold up his head fairly well now, b

ut still needs help. He enjoys 'standing' on his feet - he sometimes breaks into laughter when I put him on his feet. He likes to make bubbles with his saliva and loves to suck his fingers... sometimes 3 fingers at a time and make loud noises while at it.

We bought him a little pool specially for babies to swim in. We got it out this morning and let him try in it. I climbed in too :)

He seems happy kicking but a little apprehensive because it is his first time. He didn't smile but he looked like he enjoyed himself.

I can't wait for him to start crawling! I know he'll be a handful then, but watching him achieve all the milestones makes me so happy.

A New Year

Time flew by. Ezra is 2.5 months already.

It is not a very good start to the new year for me. Depression sets in slowly... the books were right - they come and go quickly, I can hardly catch myself when it happens. I am more emotional than ever and I think silly things. I put all sorts of scenarios in my mind and imagine the worse. I don't seem to realise it until it is over (for the time being). It makes me such a tiresome person to live with (here it comes again!). I'm at a lost... I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to or anyone who could understand.

I feel like I need a break... just do something that I like for a while, like go shopping or have something nice to eat... but doing it alone still makes me feel alone. Well, technically I'm not alone cos Ezra is with me :)
Basically, I just feel I am in this alone. Wow, single mothers must go through so much!
I will try to occupy myself as much as possible, although tiredness sets in so often I just need to sleep it away, then I get up feeling lousy again. Terrible cycle! What to do??!? I'm lost!

Ezra is starting to smile and laugh more each day. Sometimes he would stare at the ceiling and break into giggles. Joy fills my heart to see and hear him laugh. Anxiety and gloom sets in when he cries. We have more or less settled into a routine. He feeds every 3 hours, sleeps at about 9pm and gets up at approx. 2am and 6am at night, bathes at 9am and 6pm. I pump 4 times a day and have enough to freeze 1 bag a day for future use.

MIL just said she has difficulty with the household chores, so I will take on cleaning the floor every other day from now on. I do a thorough cleaning of the room once a week and dust it almost every day. I try to clean the rest of the rooms every fortnight. I break them down into many days so I do a little everyday. I try to do these when Ezra is asleep or when I leave him in his cot to play himself. Thankfully he is a good boy and can be left alone for a few minutes.

Sigh... and no time with Heng too - no dates, no walks, not even meals together. So miserable.